“Mom is in the hospital!” What? My sister’s calling me at 8 a.m., sounding teary and panicked. She had just gotten a call from the hospital saying that my mom was brought in at 3 a.m., was undergoing tests, and that we shouldn’t come in before 5 p.m. “Well, then it cannot be that bad, right? “we tried to assure each other.

I had just been in Germany for a week visiting my mom. My daughter was with me because she had to renew her US working visa, so we combined our trips. We saw my mom every day, went for walks, had lunch together, and accompanied her running errands. My mom is 86 years old, has still been living independently, and is very healthy due to her daily walks, or so we thought. 

When we went to the hospital in the afternoon, the diagnosis was a heart attack, pneumonia, atrial fibrillation, water around the heart and in the lungs. All test results were critical, and she was not in good shape. When she saw my sister and me, she said that it had always been her wish that I would be in Germany together with my sister when she died. Our eyes went wide… Was she feeling that she was going to die? Was this kind of “planned”? Was she sort of taking advantage of the situation that I was present…???

I was torn between feeling grateful that I was there at the right time if I had to say goodbye and shocked that she could go so quickly. While dealing with my own feelings, my mom stayed in the ICU for a week, went to a normal floor after that, and was then sent for rehabilitation to another hospital. She did come out the other end; she was weak and tired easily in the beginning and had to learn how to walk with a walker, but she could get back into her apartment, which was her greatest wish.

Living a globally mobile life makes you resilient. There are countless transitions, and you observe friends, co-workers, and acquaintances get sick and die, but of course, that doesn’t hit home so badly. 

Why was this experience so hard? 

1. I felt trapped between two worlds and two families.

2. I questioned my choice of living abroad, in this case, being away from someone who just recovered from being very sick.

3. It was suddenly very clear to me that life is indeed finite.

4. I realized that I most probably won’t be with my mom when she eventually dies because of pure mathematical reasons (so many days living abroad vs so many days visiting).

5. It was obvious that I had to find a good time to leave her, not only a good time for her.

What got me through this situation?

1. Applying the “first things first rule” and canceling appointments and commitments.

2. Talking and meeting up with my German friends in the evenings. 

3. Contacting my international friends who understood the much-needed perspective from the expat point of view.

4. Making time to do sports and parking the car further away from the hospital, therefore enjoying walks in the cold winter air.

5. Having a supportive husband who said there was no rush for me to come back home.

6. Having my daughter with me who also extended her stay in Germany.

7. Staying in my mom’s apartment while she was in hospital.

8. My mom was very grateful and eventually said it was time for me to return to Mexico.

After extending my visit various times and staying in Germany for two months, I’m back in Cancun and no longer a short drive away. My German family and I exist again in separate time zones. Being far away, I miss the little moments, the spontaneous lunch, a casual chat over ice cream, and making the shopping list together. I feel this mix of longing, bittersweet guilt, and helplessness, but I also know that I’ve done everything I possibly could and that I left my mom as well as possible.

The hardest part is knowing that life will move forward for both of us. My mom will grow older, and so will I. And as much as technology can bridge the gap, it can never replicate the comfort of simply being near each other. Being an expat teaches us the importance of love over distance, booking and making the trip, and spending time together when and if possible.

P.S.: My mom is almost back to her usual self. She ditched the walker and is moving around with her cane again, going for her much-loved daily walks.